Living With The Lies

I don’t know why I do it, but I do. I have this unhealthy obsession with pretending to people that my life is trundling along with absolutely no problems and everything is fantastic when in actual fact it’s falling apart very rapidly and is being held in place by the tiniest of tiniest of threads which can come undone at any time because of the smallest thing, and today i think its happened.

Everything over the past few days were going so well, I went to North Wales with a few friends to chill and to climb Snowdon (which ive always wanted to do) On the last day (the day we were packing the tents down) i felt my mood slipping, so i decided to pretend to be asleep so i didnt bite anyones head off.

So when i got home i found out my perents had cleaned my room, told me to move out (wont give it to me in writting, (my cpn wants a copy so they can help with housing),) got told i had no rights and now they want a chat about things,

To be honest im really not sure what’s going to happen now, as im feeling myself going down again, and i dont want to be in that frame of mind where i might do something, i mean every time something like this happens i norm have the police called on me, or i end up in A&E

so on that note im going to say goodbye, ill try and update the blog after the chat in the morning

136… Three numbers I learnt to hate

So as you may of been wondering ‘why do I hate the numbers 136′ well it is a long story so Ill start from the beginning;

Thursday night a few friends and myself thought it be good to go out on the town and relax with a few other people we havnt seen for a year (as they’re at collage/uni ect)
So we all went out to be honest I wasn’t in the best of moods that day (mind was racing and was going from really down to really excited in a few moments to each other)

So we went to the club, I left early and started walking home while walking (bearing in mind I was now feeling preety down about things friends, family, and of course the whole how did I get to this point in life). I stopped at a bridge which crossed the m4, its a preety big bridge in teams of height, sooo I stayed on it, thinking, while I was doing this (thinking) a highways van pulled up and was watching me, later he left and returned on the opp side of the moterway, also a highways landrover turned up

The driver got out, used the steps and started chatting with me about things at this point a police car turned up and they (the police) started talking to me, I told them what was happening and why I was here (at the bridge) and then he put me under the mental health act section 136; so happy days well not but you know what I mean

So I got taken to sandlwood, and had a long chat with 2 workers about everything under the sun; feelings, friends, family and even prides : p we all sort of settled that me being gay was a couse of that nights actions because I bottle everything in, and also that I didn’t release and no one pointed out (friends) that I was going through a mania stage not a mancie one as the norm for me,

So vatta (a friend) was on msn trying to get me to tell my perents the whole gay thing which I’m not sure about telling them, she kept saying ‘not telling them will and is killing me’ to which I’m not sure,

So anyhows all my meds got changed I’m now on mirtazapine (anti despression, sleep, weight gain) and vallium (to calm me down) and countless others, have a list as long as my arm, also my bipolar is now classed as level one, which is news to me, sort of scares me a bit well a lot

Sorry for the long rambling post, on a lighter note I was allowed home at around 3 that day (all this happened at 2 in the morning onwards)