Days going by….

I am surviving,
And that is
About all there
Is to it

Soooo I wrote a poem, I’m preety bad at writting them :/

I dreamed my dreams

And now my dreams are real

I once was dead to the world but now I feel

The pain of the world flowing through my mind

A gloomy blackness where once light shined

The despair of this child once so new and pure

Now he stumbles, afraid, alone, unsureI dreamed my dreams

And they have to turned to the nightmare of reality

I see things that I do not wish to see

The pain flowing through his heart

The mouth is screaming as he’s torn apart

The body trembles frightened of more pain

And shafts of darkness spear the light of a child’s brain

All of this pain and suffering and much more

Has this lonely tortured child endured

How much more torture is it going to be given

Stumbling, rumbling stomach, beaten, driven

To the edge that represents death

He sobs his last strangled breath

And falls down dead but nobody sees

His childhood full of naïve dreams

Now lies beaten, tortured and alone

And the wind whistles through

His naked bones.

136… Three numbers I learnt to hate

So as you may of been wondering ‘why do I hate the numbers 136′ well it is a long story so Ill start from the beginning;

Thursday night a few friends and myself thought it be good to go out on the town and relax with a few other people we havnt seen for a year (as they’re at collage/uni ect)
So we all went out to be honest I wasn’t in the best of moods that day (mind was racing and was going from really down to really excited in a few moments to each other)

So we went to the club, I left early and started walking home while walking (bearing in mind I was now feeling preety down about things friends, family, and of course the whole how did I get to this point in life). I stopped at a bridge which crossed the m4, its a preety big bridge in teams of height, sooo I stayed on it, thinking, while I was doing this (thinking) a highways van pulled up and was watching me, later he left and returned on the opp side of the moterway, also a highways landrover turned up

The driver got out, used the steps and started chatting with me about things at this point a police car turned up and they (the police) started talking to me, I told them what was happening and why I was here (at the bridge) and then he put me under the mental health act section 136; so happy days well not but you know what I mean

So I got taken to sandlwood, and had a long chat with 2 workers about everything under the sun; feelings, friends, family and even prides : p we all sort of settled that me being gay was a couse of that nights actions because I bottle everything in, and also that I didn’t release and no one pointed out (friends) that I was going through a mania stage not a mancie one as the norm for me,

So vatta (a friend) was on msn trying to get me to tell my perents the whole gay thing which I’m not sure about telling them, she kept saying ‘not telling them will and is killing me’ to which I’m not sure,

So anyhows all my meds got changed I’m now on mirtazapine (anti despression, sleep, weight gain) and vallium (to calm me down) and countless others, have a list as long as my arm, also my bipolar is now classed as level one, which is news to me, sort of scares me a bit well a lot

Sorry for the long rambling post, on a lighter note I was allowed home at around 3 that day (all this happened at 2 in the morning onwards)

A new look at things….

Well the past few days have been reather eventful again, during a meeting with the local crisis team they told me that I have borderline bipoler, which they say would explain a few things and now have to wait for a blood test result on my lithim levels before I can start medction for it, also they’ve fainly taken action about my weight I’m now classed as under weight for my age and are keeping a eye on it with a food dairy for the next week.

Also during the meeting the talk come up again at hospltion if I get any worse or gave them concern that I might be a harm to myself or others, at that point my cpn brought up about my thinking space in the town center which was not good, so I had to agree that ill phone them stright away if I had anything or want a chat about things.

at the home front my perants seem to be skirting around the whole issue of things going on, I told them about the borderline bipoler and my 6month driving ban (dvla found out about my hosp stay and that I was well still am manic) all they said was ‘oh well’, so now when I get in one of my downers they leave it to me and not say anything,
Sooo happy days well not for me