Mood charts: how I hate them and now love them

Since I can remember I’ve always had to day mood charts every day, So people could see what sort of mood and then state of mind I was in. I was never a fan of this because it meant in a meeting with a Doctor it could be brought up and used against me (which it has been in the past) But now I’ve grown to respect them, It gives anyone who reads them a powerful glimpse into my mind, whether I’m severely depressed or in the grips of severe mania and not wanting to talk to people. So today I’ve had to go though the past two years worth to take to a meeting later, And I found some shocking things with it well I say shocking, It’s interstering to reread them and think about what’s happened or seeing the pattern slowly building up so then I’m aware of what to maybe expect soon.

So from the start of the year I’ve spent: 25 days in mania and 52 days in depression. Both of which are not proud facts of the year or my life really, the both sets of days I’ve lost work, friends, earnings, respect and trust, and also the latest one my home.

Car Crash.. Medical review and a nearly section two… All in a week

This week has been a eventful one, Full of worry, Full of hope and Full of guilt.
On Monday a very good friend of mine and her girlfriend picked me up and drove my to my doctors appt in wroughton, On the way there She took the back road, BUT as we were driving down the road, an other car was coming up, we moved out the way and the other car kept coming so we hit two concrete pillers as the other car hit us. Our car nearly went over. In the end we all walked away from the car, (which was a write off by the way) Also a friend had to go to hospital by ambulance, In the end the front passenger and back passenger had injures (one had bowl, kidneys and cracked ribs, and the other had a cracked shoulder blade, Dislocated and francted collar bone) The driver of our car keeps blaming herself for it, But we keep telling her its not her fault.

A few days later i had a medical review which was me chatting to my new cpn who seems ok, the outcome of it was to take me of my mood stabliers, And put me on Diazepam for my anxiety, He tried putting me back onto anti depressions tablets, which i refused to go on to, as they send me into mania, Which is bot a good thing (also i had 7 sections while i was taking them) For once they listened to me and decied to give me a 2 week break from all meds apart from Diazepam which i need if i have a really bad panic attack or start freaking out again. Also i started getting help for the issue of self harming, I’ve started to see PASH which gives me goals and support to overcome it, which is helpful as its got to a point where its too much to cope from now,

A New Year?

Some how after the past year, I do believe that in the new year another stupid may take place again, I mean i’m not planning anything but i need to keep busy, I’m feeling myself going back down to how i was this time lst year, and i have a lot of painful memerys of things which happened this time last year : /

E.g i took a reather large overdose and was in hosp for a few days, And then a few days after i did the same again.

But this time after the year ive had: 8 Sections under Section 136
5 Attempts at my own life
Anorexia
Being disowned by my parents
being in a shed load of debt
And being put on many different med’s Which have done more harm than good

So if anything happens maybe it’s for the better this time, I mean friends than don’t have to put up with me and family don’t have to, So maybe it’s a win win?

i’m just too damm Tired

I slept in my clothes again last night
Thought those days had long since passed
I would eat, drink, change my clothes take a bath
But I’ve not enough energy to be assed

I’m just so damn tired all the time
Just so damn tired

I’ve got scrapes on my hands
Where I punched a brick wall
Trying to break through
Barriers but failed
I’ve got holes in my jeans
Where I fell to the floor
I’m just so damn tired

Just so damn tired all the time
I’m just so damn tired

The word load builds
I fall behind
The more stress that happens
The more I close into my mind

I’m just so damn tired all the time
Just so damn tired

I’ve got bags under my eyes
You could make an urn of tea with
Yet I’m sleeping all the time
I have to smile and hide
Behind the lies
Tel them I’m alright
But I’m not

I’m just so damn tired all the time
Just so damn tired
If life doesn’t pick up soon
I’ll be left behind
Too damn tired
If I don’t shift gears
I’ll go out of my mind
But I’m just too damn tired to find
The switch
To throw me
Off this glitch

I’m just
Too
Damn
Tired

Need a change

In a way, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it’s always back to you…

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can’t define what I’m after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I’m shattered
I always turn the car around..

blogs

Just letting people know, im going to stay and use this blog (http://matthewfitchett.wordpress.com)

New Blog

Hi,
I haven’t had the chat with the perents yet (hiding away in my room) So everything is ok at the moment, also i made a new blog (still at wordpress) which is http://ramblingsofafitchey.wordpress.com (this new one i will be posting new posts on from now one)

Living With The Lies

I don’t know why I do it, but I do. I have this unhealthy obsession with pretending to people that my life is trundling along with absolutely no problems and everything is fantastic when in actual fact it’s falling apart very rapidly and is being held in place by the tiniest of tiniest of threads which can come undone at any time because of the smallest thing, and today i think its happened.

Everything over the past few days were going so well, I went to North Wales with a few friends to chill and to climb Snowdon (which ive always wanted to do) On the last day (the day we were packing the tents down) i felt my mood slipping, so i decided to pretend to be asleep so i didnt bite anyones head off.

So when i got home i found out my perents had cleaned my room, told me to move out (wont give it to me in writting, (my cpn wants a copy so they can help with housing),) got told i had no rights and now they want a chat about things,

To be honest im really not sure what’s going to happen now, as im feeling myself going down again, and i dont want to be in that frame of mind where i might do something, i mean every time something like this happens i norm have the police called on me, or i end up in A&E

so on that note im going to say goodbye, ill try and update the blog after the chat in the morning

7 is not a lucky number for me….

hello all,

I haven’t posted on here for ages now, so im really not sure what to write about so ill guess ill talk about the two weeks where i got picked up on a 136, 7 times.

Past few weeks ive been having some really bad mood swings to the point of them crashing down and i was seeking to end my life, i was picked up by the police 7 times in two weeks, which is not a good thing at all.

So im back in contact with the crisis team and the poss of a hosp stay again in the coming weeks,

On a lighter note im off on holiday on friday to go camping in wales

Days going by….

I am surviving,
And that is
About all there
Is to it

Soooo I wrote a poem, I’m preety bad at writting them :/

I dreamed my dreams

And now my dreams are real

I once was dead to the world but now I feel

The pain of the world flowing through my mind

A gloomy blackness where once light shined

The despair of this child once so new and pure

Now he stumbles, afraid, alone, unsureI dreamed my dreams

And they have to turned to the nightmare of reality

I see things that I do not wish to see

The pain flowing through his heart

The mouth is screaming as he’s torn apart

The body trembles frightened of more pain

And shafts of darkness spear the light of a child’s brain

All of this pain and suffering and much more

Has this lonely tortured child endured

How much more torture is it going to be given

Stumbling, rumbling stomach, beaten, driven

To the edge that represents death

He sobs his last strangled breath

And falls down dead but nobody sees

His childhood full of naïve dreams

Now lies beaten, tortured and alone

And the wind whistles through

His naked bones.